My Heart

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Editing a Lie

I sat across from my friend completely paralyzed. I couldn’t breathe. On the outside I looked well enough, but inside I was a wreck. As I picked up a hot bread stick I began to unload my thoughts.

Carrying around the weight of these thoughts was exhausting and I needed support.

My birthday was coming. My daughter’s birthday was coming. These should be happy occasions, but I was in full panic mode.

No, this was not a mid-life crisis panic. This was the kind of panic you feel when you near a head on collision.

At the age of 16 I underlined these words, “Birthdays activate grief responses because each one we celebrate brings us closer to the neon number: the age a mother was when she died.” Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman

My neon number was approaching. I could see it flashing, taunting, and illuminating my greatest fear.

You see, from the moment I held my daughter in my arms I had been counting the days.

How old will she be when I am 41?

How old will I be when she is 14?

These are my neon numbers. These are the numbers I was dreading crashing into.

I’ve been taught not to voice my greatest fears. I’ve had well-meaning individuals tell me that my enemy cannot “hear” my thoughts unless I speak them, so I should hold them in. After all, I do not want to give the enemy any new material to use against me. I’ve been told Satan can’t read my mind. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not. What I do know is this, holding in my deepest fears was killing me.

So over a hot bread stick, I began to voice my greatest fears. I didn’t care if my enemy heard them or not, because I knew I was in the presence of an armed believer.

2 Corinthians 10:4 “For although we live in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh, since the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds.”

I was in a stronghold of fear and I needed an armed believer to help me wage war.

I walked away from dinner that night emotionally lighter, albeit a little heavier due to all the bread sticks. Difficult conversations are just easier over bread sticks.

Shortly after that conversation, I let my daughter travel to Florida with a friend. I envisioned those moments as a young mother, fully convinced I could never let her go. Allowing her to get in cars with other people is one of my greatest acts of faith. (As you might have guessed, my mother died a car accident) Letting her go all the way to Florida was huge for me. I need you to understand, her first sleepover at 4 years of age, I called my Aunt at 3 a.m. because I was sitting on my back deck having a complete panic attack. I needed to hear that she was ok.

As I watched the RV pull out of the parking lot I was shocked that I felt peace. Not only did I feel peace, I was actually excited for her! Do you know why I had peace? Because that night over breadsticks, I allowed God to begin to edit the lies in my head.

This is no easy task. It does not happen automatically. You have to invite Him to edit. You have to hand Him the red pen.

The editing of the lies is a daily experience. Sometimes a minute by minute experience.

This daughter of mine gives me plenty of opportunity to hand God the pen. She is full of life and she desires to experience ALL it has to offer.

This year I hit my neon number. On June 10th, I turned 41.

For a brief couple of months I am 41 and she is 14.

What does she decide to do during these few months? Parasail.

Yep, that’s her. WAY up in the air with ONE rope.

ONE. ROPE. Do you see the size of that rope?

But look at that smile.

Oh friends, allow God to edit the lies in your head that hold you back.

There is SO much life to live and enjoy!

From my stirred heart to yours,

Erica

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Fear doesn’t have to be the enemy

Previously published May 13, 2014 at www.leadmeforward.com *Revised in 2020

by Erica Pearson

My phone buzzed. I looked down to read my text.

Is worry a sin?

Give me a minute to compose myself. I replied

I am very passionate about this subject and I knew I needed to take a deep breath before I responded. I instantly remembered these words I wrote in 2014.

Why do we as Christians not allow one another to feel fear?  On more than one occasion I have seen the chance to encourage one another with God’s Word be turned into a belittling session in God’s name over the issue of – FEAR.  I’ve even been personally chastised over not having “enough faith” in God when I chose to be transparent and admit I was fearful or anxious about certain situations.

Why am I writing about Fear when I started with a text over Worry?

Can you name a worry that didn’t first start with fear?

The ROOT of worry is fear, so this is the issue we need to deal with.

head in hands

Conversations and experiences have prompted me to ask this question:

“What is it that causes us to be real with God (and each other) about every other emotion besides fear?”  

We seem to believe that within each of us is some kind of “faith meter”.  As if we could determine where someone stands with God based on how they are feeling.  In my own experience, if I ever mention being fearful of a certain situation, my “meter” is assumed to be on empty. In fact, I was pregnant with my 2nd child during Swine Flu season. I was trying to talk with a colleague about how I was feeling, only to be met with their observation of “I thought you had more faith than that Erica?.

In a Classic Christianity, Bob George offers some much needed truth on the issue of “Faith Meters”. He points out that too many of us are confusing God’s standards with people’s standards, and we are making ourselves sick over it.

“Yet, they walk around every day feeling that God is sick to His stomach over them because of their failure to live up to His standards. Often, though, it’s not even God’s standards that they are trying to keep, but regulations imposed by themselves or other people. There is a certain mind-set that is especially destructive, called the “Phantom Christian.” The “Phantom Christian” is that imaginary person that many of us are continually comparing ourselves to…..this “Phantom Christian” lives as a vague ghost in the back of our minds, creating a sense of failure to measure up. That is the reason why many Christians live under continual guilt. If the “Phantom Christian” is the standard for acceptance, then God seems a million miles away, sitting with His arms folded in disapproval. ” Bob George

Was my “faith meter” running on empty in the midst of Swine Flu?

Nothing could have been farther from the truth!

I was clinging to the Cross. It was my faith in God that caused me to look up and ask Him for help.

My human emotions may fail me, but my faith in God never does. I take comfort in the fact there are several examples in scripture of Christ followers who felt fear, my favorite example being Peter.

Peter stepped bravely out of the boat only to be overcome with fear at the sight of the crashing waves. Did he somehow, at that moment, lose all faith in God and give up? No!

In fact, I believe it was his faith that caused him to quickly look back up at the one who could save him and take the extended hand of His Lord. If he had somehow lost his faith due to fear, we would read of Jesus having to pick up a flailing, panicked Peter out of the water.

Based on my personal experience here is what I have come to believe about the emotion we call fear:

Fear is not the absence of faith; if allowed it can fuel faith.

Without fear, I would feel invincible. Without fear, I would not seek God. Without fear, I would blindly believe I was in control. I am learning not to feel like a failure when I feel fear or anxiety. I know that fear is a thorn in my flesh. I have begged and pleaded with the Lord to take it away, only to find the same response Paul received when he begged to have a similar thorn taken from his flesh: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Therefore I can also say, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses (fears), so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

There is a current Pandemic. Are you afraid if you share your struggles, your faith will be seen as lacking? Have you tried to reach for help on Social Media only to be met with a belittling session.

Allow me to be the first to say it.

I. AM. AFRAID.

I am a believer and I am afraid. This is scary. It is perfectly OK to be afraid about scary things!

Am I living in fear? No. Do I have moments of fear? Absolutely.

In the book Emotional Agility, Susan David has this to say about dealing with emotions:

“The process (Emotional Agility) isn’t about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It’s about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life.” Susan David

God’s Word does not say that we are to ignore our emotions, it says we are to share one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

Let’s get real and begin to really help one another through this. Let us PRAY TOGETHER. Encourage one another. Check in. Listen. Love.

Don’t hesitate another moment to find a friend and take your burdens to the throne room, knowing He is waiting to meet you there. He is NOT sitting with His arms crossed in disapproval of your fear. He has His arms open waiting to embrace YOU. He is not social distancing. He is waiting with an embrace we all desperately need.

From my stirred (and yes fearful) heart to yours,

Erica

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Just take a step …… Part One

Image by LEEROY Agency from Pixabay

My teenage daughter got stuck at the top of an escalator. I failed to realize that she had never taken a ride on one. We took the ride together up just fine, so I went on ahead of her on the way down. When I got to the bottom I looked up to see her doing a form of dance with the top step.

Tap once

Yank foot back

tap…yank…tap….yank….tap….yank

SHE WASN’T BUDGING

A sales clerk came up beside her. Smiling. “You’ve got this.”

More dancing at the top of the escalator. The dancing went on for about 15 minutes.

Several people filed past her. No words said. They just stepped on and chuckled to themselves all the way down.

Then something amazing took place. I stood at the bottom and observed the sales clerk never leave her side. (You may be wondering why I stayed at the bottom. I had my two youngest children with me and I really didn’t want to go up and down the escalator and risk someone getting hurt) I was also struck with the beauty of the moment that was happening at the top of the escalator.

The sales clerk began to coach my child. On flat ground she practiced with her just taking one step.

Several more people filed past. Some laughing and some sneering.

“What on Earth is going on up here?” One lady said with a scowl.

“Oh we are just having a little party,” the sales clerk non nonchalantly responded. As if dancing with the top step of the escalator should be seen as common place.

She never uttered a word that would have made my daughter feel self-conscious about her plight. “Just having a party”.

She continued to stand by my daughter….smiling.

Never belittling or badgering. Just smiling and repeating the affirmation “You’ve Got This.”

She even gave my daughter an alternative route. The elevator. My child was not to be deterred. She wanted to conquer this mountain. The ride down seemed scary, but worth it.

I eventually made it back up to where she was with her siblings in tow. I thanked the sales clerk for her kindness and told my daughter it was decision time. We simply had to go. I told her there was no shame in taking the alternative route. Approaching the elevator my daughter said to me, “Mom, I just have to try one more time.”

Back to the top of her mountain we went.

One deep breath and she took a step.

Smiling the kind of smile that only victory creates, she rode all the way down to the bottom.

I learned several important things about the type of encouragement that actually helps.

  1. Just stand with someone – several people tried to show her how seemingly easy it was to just take that first step of faith and trust the escalator to carry her safely down. Only one stood with her, giving her the strength to take her own step.
  2. Be patient- I’m sure the sales clerk had plenty of work to be done. She never once acted like she had something more important to do. She made my daughter feel important.
  3. Let your words be few – “You’ve got this”. Simple affirmation. No long drawn out explanation about the mechanics of the escalator. No belittling of the very real fear my daughter felt. Just simple affirmation ,that allowed my daughter to create the narrative she needed in her own head, that would lead her feet to take action.

We are all someone in the escalator story.

  • The encourager
  • The dancer
  • The scoffer
  • The passer by

We are all currently at the top of the New Year. Someone is dancing at the top unsure of how to take that first step.

Who will you be in their story?

From my stirred heart to yours,

Erica

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Need to Detox?

Previously published at www.leadmeforward.com on Dec.2, 2014

Every morning while I am pouring a delicious cup of hot coffee, I watch my husband mix up a cold, green, sludgy concoction he calls “healthy” and “good”. I warily watch him drink it up. I don’t envy him in the least bit, but I am proud of him. It takes discipline to start your day with a cup of green stuff. He is making an effort to add good things back to his neglected body in hopes to detox and flush out the bad.

The definition of detoxing is the “process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.” I use to associate the word “detox” with nothing more than ridding the body of illegal substances. In the present day, detox is now the new buzz word. I wonder how many people are right now trying to “detox” from all the seemingly harmful substances they have consumed this week?

There’s a plethora of detoxing and cleansing items out there on the market. People are more aware than ever of what they are putting into their bodies. With a warning label and an itemized nutrition level on everything we consume, we are literally without excuse. We count calories and pay close attention to what we put in our bodies in an effort to keep our vital organs healthy.

Yet, there is one organ that is screaming for attention and it desperately needs detoxing. Ironically, there are very few warning labels for what this particular organ is assaulted with daily. There is no way to count the “calories” it is forced to consume.

Brain clutter image

When is the last time you gave notice to how much information your BRAIN is consuming? If detoxing is the important “process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances,” then shouldn’t we as Christians provide our precious minds with a period of time which we abstain from what I would like to call “Brain Clutter?”

God thinks so.

See Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal (detoxifying?) of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

How will we ever discern what the will of God is for our lives if we never, ever

give our Mind a single second…..

..…… to just ………

..…………..well………………

…..THINK?

One of my absolute favorite movie lines comes from Usual Suspects. The main character nails it when he says, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”

I would like to add to that…  I personally believe “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was keeping Christian’s minds so cluttered they could no longer hear from their Creator”.

I am ready to detox. Thank goodness my detox does not require me to ingest a nasty, green drink. I’m ready to cleanse my mind from the senseless clutter that is hindering me from real communion with my God.

I wrote this in 2014. Five years later I am continuing to detox my mind. This year I have chosen to detox from Facebook and Instagram. I do a “6 day cleanse” starting on Sunday. I refrain from social media Sunday-Friday. If I feel the overwhelming urge to check it (hello addiction)-I open up my bible app or look up a good sermon. I am consciously filling my mind with my spiritual nutrition.

Steven Furtick, one of the Pastor’s that I really enjoying listening to, had something so powerful to say on this very topic I had to share. Please take a moment and listen and I highly encourage you to take time to look up and listen to the entire sermon.

What steps will you take to detox?

From my stirred heart to yours,

Erica

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Find a Focal Point

I race a dog every morning.

It is an insanely enjoyable part of my routine. A focal point I can count on.  I can always count on him to be there waiting.

I round the corner and off we go! Sometimes I let him win and sometimes he lets me win.

No matter the winner the reward is always the same: JOY.

Explosive giggles from the car.

This past year my world has spun out of control.  The comfortable parts of my life torn apart.  The fixtures of my life dimming.   I know it’s part of life’s cycle, but that knowledge does not make it enjoyable.

There are moments we are thrown off balance.  Dizzy and nauseous we reach out for things that help us feel secure.  Growing up I had two main focal points.  Out my back door I could run to my Mema’s.  There I would find fresh baked chocolate cupcakes and a warm smile.   Out the door, to my right, I could run to my Granny’s.  There I would find fresh baked tea cakes and serenity in a time vacuum.  No matter what was happening in the world—-at Granny’s time stood still.

In one short year my dad and his parents (my Granny and Pop) left this world.  Three years prior I lost my Mema to Alzheimer’s.

We all know life will change, but when the changes come all at once it can send you into a death spin. (pun fully intended)

Lessons from a Ballerina

When a Ballerina spins they do not get dizzy.  Why? A technique called “spotting”.

They pick a stationary spot and fix their eyes on it.  They train themselves to flip their head around while they are spinning and find that spot.  Over and over and over and over.

Twirl-spot-Twirl-spot-Twirl-spot-Twirl-SPOT.

This helps to train their brain to literally disconnect from the movement and maintain stability.  (Research has actually shown that their brains have changed and adapted to compensate for the constant spinning. Fascinating read if you ever have time to look into it).

In my bible, you will find the words “disorientation in the silence” scribbled  in the margins beside Psalms 22:1.  These words were written when my world first began to spin and I became terribly dizzy.

The title of Psalms 22 : “From Suffering to Praise”.

Let’s put the spotting technique to work here while we read the scripture.

Spinning : “My God! Why have you forsaken me?” vs 1

Spot: “BUT You are HOLY” vs 3

Spinning: “I am a worm, despised by people” vs 6

Spot: “He RELIES on the Lord” vs 8

Spinning: “distress is near-there’s no one to help” vs 11

Spot: “YOU answered me!” vs 21

Read through the Psalms and you will find David using the technique of “spotting” to keep upright.  (we all know what a good dancer he was…. )

“You’re so strong” …. is so wrong

People will often tell me that they are amazed by my strength.  This statement makes me very uncomfortable.  Perhaps because I am too aware of my own weakness.

I have seen the edge of my faith and it was terrifying.  Only I have a front row seat to my thoughts and they are far too often the opposite of strength and even sometimes sanity.

So, how am I still standing upright?

“Spotting”

Your Dad has cancer.

They walked through on dry ground… Exodus 14

Radiation appointments

I am weary from grief. Strengthen me with your word…Psalm 119: 28

Your Dad is on the way to the hospital

I have treasured the words from His mouth more than my daily food…Job 23:12

His Dr. walks out on us

Jesus

A hospice nurse walks in for us

Jesus

My father dies

JESUS

Your Granny has passed

JESUS

Your Pop is in Heaven

Do you see? Twirling…….JESUS……..spinning……..JESUS………..out of control…….JESUS. Over and over and over and over….

Jesus….. Jesus…..Jesus….. Jesus…..

He is the only spot that will keep you from getting disoriented while your world spins out of control. Flip your head around! Steady yourself. FIND HIM.

FIX Your Eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of your faith. Hebrews 12:2

You can’t make earthly things your spot.  This world is relentlessly spinning things into destruction. We live in a fallen world.

People will die. Property will be sold. Treasured items will break.  Goodness I hate typing that, but it is reality.  How I know it too well.

If you make earthly things your spot you will live life off balance.

FIX. Your. Eyes. On. Jesus

Flip your head around

Find Him

So, what about the dog?

No one said life had to be stuffy. I have spots in my day that make me smile and giggle.  Yet, on rainy mornings I don’t get to race that sweet pup.  Sometimes I round the corner and he is not there.

So. I flip my head around and I find the one spot that is always there…………….. JESUS

 

 

 

 

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Childlike Wonder

A broken heart has a difficult time recognizing miracles.

When my mother died at the tender age of 14, I remember being painfully aware of the beauty in the world.  It was an insult to my eyes.

The audacious spinning of the world.

All I could see and recognize was my hurt.  Twenty-three years later I felt the same insult as my father slipped away on a beautiful September afternoon.

I am an elementary school teacher, so I am going to draw inspiration from an unlikely character. Meet Wilbur.

Wilbur The Pig Clipart

If you have never taken the opportunity to read the children’s classic Charlotte’s Web, then I implore you to put this is on the top of your reading list. Why? Because we could all use more childlike wonder in our lives.

Don’t take my word for it: Jesus said so.

Jesus did not like His followers telling the children not to come. So He said to them, “Let the little children come to me. Don’t stop them, because God’s kingdom belongs to people who are like these little children. The truth is, you MUST accept God’s Kingdom LIKE a child accepts things, or you will never enter it.” Then Jesus held the children in His arms. Mark 10:14-16 ERV

 

When tucking my youngest child into bed recently she whispered to me, “Momma, is Papaw finished visiting Heaven now?  Can he come back to us?”

I replied, “No sweetheart, Papaw is not just visiting Heaven.  He has moved there and someday we will move there too. ”

My child accepted, with no theological debate, the truth of HEAVEN.

Miraculous

A miracle is defined as: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.

I end every school year with a read aloud of Charlotte’s Web.  This book has taught me 2 very important lessons about Miracles.

  1. I must be on watch.

In Charlotte’s Web, the miracle of words in a simple spider’s web captured everyone’s attention.  They all went to Sunday church to hear the minister explain the miracle.  He simply said:

Human beings must always be on the watch for the coming of wonders.

My broken heart has not had the ability to recognize everyday miracles because it simply stopped looking. Have you stopped looking?  Are you on watch for the coming of wonders?  I am afraid that our world offers too many distractions to the miraculous.  Even this blog you are reading (and I am SO GRATEFUL you are) is a distraction.  When is the last time you really looked for the miraculous? We can’t see with our heads down in our phones.  We have to LOOK UP and we have to look WITH childlike wonder.

Which leads me to lesson number two.

2.  I must become like a child.

 “Children pay better attention than grownups.”

(Dr.Dorian~Charlotte’s Web)

One of my favorite scenes in the book is when the children spend their afternoon swinging from a rope through the door of the old barn.  It reminds me of the hours I spent swinging in my own backyard.  The first time I remember being aware of God’s presence was on my swing staring at the blue sky.  I spent the days literally swinging in His arms aware of His love and feeling perfectly safe.

I want to get back to that place.

Grief stuns the heart.  For a time you are suspended from reality and you are aware of the space between each heartbeat.  I’ve missed things like joy, wonder, awe, and contentment.

 

 

I’m ready to feel joy again.  I’m ready to be on watch for the coming of wonders!

As I reflect on this pass year here are some miracles I almost overlooked:

  • Belly laughs in Grief Group (take that in for a moment….. it was sweet)
  • Butterflies
  • Friendship
  • Baby birds taking flight
  • Smiles in a radiation clinic
  • Cards that show up in your mailbox when you need them most

I’ll be watching for something to add to my list.

What’s on your list?

 

 

 

 

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All Things New

I’m afraid of hope.

I hate to admit this out loud.  It doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t fit.

A list of things I fear would include: ticks, snakes, hope, car wrecks, heights, illness.

See. It doesn’t fit.

Yet, I’m afraid of Hope.  It hasn’t worked out well for me.

At the start of 2018,  my pastor spoke on dreaming big.  He asked us to stand at the end of the service and dare to open our hands to all God had for us in the New Year.

I stayed seated.

Through blurry eyes and with a shaky hand I wrote:

I don’t know yet how to my open my hands to what you have for me in 2018, because 2017 shattered me and honestly I’m scared to death Lord!  Glory to Glory is painful when you are stuck in the TO – to get to one Glory you have to let go of the other.  Teach me Lord how to move through this pain.

You see, I chose the words Glory TO Glory (based on 2 Corinthians 3:18) as my words for 2018. 

I’m not alone on this road.  I am in good company.

In Jenny Simmons’ refreshingly honest memoir, “The Road to Becoming”, she writes: Seasons of hardships can leave us worse for the wear, at least in my experience.  Instead of making it to the other side a better version of ourselves, we can end up bitter, broken, and barely recognizable.  Just because one makes it through a hard season and is still standing doesn’t mean they have traveled down the life-giving road to becoming something new. It just means their feet still work.” (I have this passage underlined and marked with several exclamation marks)

I had a friend recently send me a quote that said:

“You don’t know this new me, I put back my pieces differently.”

I reflected back on the words I wrote in January.  SHATTERED.  I used the word shattered. What I immediately knew was I had allowed my hope to be shattered.  I had to give these shattered pieces to God, because my hands were creating a hardened – bitter mess. I want to reword the above quote to say:

“You don’t know this new me, GOD put back my pieces differently.”

I want Glory to Glory – not Glory to Garbage

Psalms 34:18 gives insight into the location of God during hard seasons.  He is  “near to the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed (shattered) in spirit”

He is near and He used this little fella to minister to my hurting spirit.

I met this little guy in July of 2017, about a month after I heard the word “cancer”.  He made my windowsill his home.  I walked by him everyday and smiled.  I mean look at that face!

I was keenly aware of the fact that his position was no coincidence.  He was in clear view and I had to walk by him every single day.  The day daddy received his first dose of radiation, I came home to see this beautiful chrysalis.

Every day, this creation, reminded me that God is in the business of transformation.

I wondered – at this moment – how the little fella felt?  Was he still smiling? Was he scared? Did he feel hopeless?  He sure looked happy and content on my windowsill.  Did he know that his entire view of life was about to change?

My view was about to change.  While I sat and hoped for healing for my father, his body was preparing for heaven.  He had entered a heavenly chrysalis that we could not see.

I realize now that God knew I needed a visual.  He needed to remind me that transformation was a very real process for His creation.

He needed to rid me of all the wrong kinds of hope.

Hope for healing? He IS the ultimate healing

Hope in people? They will always let you down

Hope in this earth? I’ve read Revelations…I know how that goes

Hope in my own ability? (HA)

Now faith is the reality of what is HOPED for, the proof of what is not seen…..so that we understand that what is seen was made from things that are not visible.  Hebrews 11:1

I can’t see heaven-I have faith it is there.

I can’t see daddy-I have faith he is there.

I can’t see inside a chrysalis – I have faith that the miraculous transformation that occurs inside created this beautiful creature.

Hope is a precious thing.  It is the very anchor for our soul (Hebrews 6:19).  If hope is the anchor, faith is the cable.  One commentary put it this way, “the anchor of hope without the cable of faith is of little service.”

I’m still afraid of hope, but I don’t want to be.  I refuse to stay here.  I am leaning into the transformation of my heart. I am moving forward, and just like that butterfly had to fight to get out of that chrysalis, I am fighting for complete healing.  I will be stronger for it.  He is putting my pieces back together.

This book has been a huge part of that process.

Image result for all things new

Chapter one begins with the words: “We could sure use some hope right now.”

AMEN

John Eldredge puts the spotlight of eternity in its proper place.  For far too long the spotlight has been on the “end” of everything.  The reality for the believer is far greater! For the believer, the spotlight should always shine brightly on the RENEWAL of all things!

“Very few things deserve the place in your heart made for ultimate hope. The renewal of all things is meant to be your first hope in the way that God is your first love.” Eldredge

After saying goodbye to daddy on this earth I sat down on my front porch and went to the Word.

Look who joined me.

I wish I could have captured a better picture, but he was fluttering about so quickly he was almost a blur.

I threw my head back and laughed.

Hope flew all around me.

I just lost sight of it for a moment.

 

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Invisible Wounds

 

There are people you see everyday with large gaping wounds.

If the wounds were visible you would exclaim, “oh my gosh are you okay? You should really go get that looked at!”

Some wounds are so intense you would immediately call 911 and get an ambulance to transport the wounded straight to the nearest Emergency Room.

However, not all wounds can be treated by the ER.

The wounds I speak of are very strategically hidden.

How are you? “I’m fine”

You good? “yep”

Hi! How are you doing today? “great and you”

You never see the drops of invisible blood hitting the floor as the wounded walk away from you.

The flesh can bear only a certain number of wounds, but the soul can bleed in ten thousand ways, and die over and over again each hour. Charles Spurgeon

When an injury occurs at work you are highly encouraged to immediately go get checked out.  Workers comp claims are filled out and you are sent back to work with a doctor’s note that gives direct orders to your boss that you are not to return with a full work load until you are cleared.

You lose a loved one and you are given a limited amount of bereavement days (3 for me).  You come back to a full work load and hide your wounds. No physical therapy is ordered for you.  No medicine given to treat your pain.  No one who is going to check on you to “clear” you for normal duties.  You are expected to jump right back in and be 100%.  The reality is, you are trying to work while mortally wounded.

Grief has split me wide open.  It has left a large gaping wound.  I hide it as best I can.  I fear that any moment the bandage is going to come flying off and I will leave a great big mess.

A friend invited me to a Grief Share group.  I did NOT want to go.  I have been in and out of grief groups since I was 14 years old.  To be honest I naively thought I had this grief thing mastered. The thought of ripping my bandage off one night a week felt daunting.

I begrudgingly went to the group.  Not because I wanted too, but because I knew I had too.  I knew it was necessary for me to heal.

A wound this size requires immediate attention.

Grief Share is my Emergency Room.

It is not a place I want to go, because let’s face it, the Emergency Room is a place of pain.  No one goes there because they are feeling good.

Once a week, for the next 13 weeks, I will be going to the Emergency Room to change my bandage.  I realized if I neglected caring for this invisible wound I could become very sick.  Infection could set in delaying much needed healing.

I want to encourage you to find your “ER”.

It could be a church “small group”…

Perhaps just simply gathering close friends for support…

A bible study…

Or God’s ultimate ER…..CHURCH

We are meant to be with a body of believers who will help us through our darkest hours.

Don’t neglect your wounds.  God sees them.  He wants to HEAL them.

It will be WORK, but it will be WORTH IT.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit. PS 34:18

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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While the storm rages……

There are moments in life when we cannot be what others have come to expect us to be.  These are scary moments.  It is frightening to look in the mirror and no longer recognize who is staring back at you because nothing looks familiar.

I’ve been walking through a storm.  One that is relentless. On the heels of my father’s death, my husband was laid off from his job.  Life uprooted. Schedules changing.  In a time when I desperately needed stability, my boat was rocking.

I had a well meaning friend say to me, “He will calm this storm.”

I answered, “I know this to be true, but right now I’m holding onto the stern terrified.”

Last week, I was having a hard time seeing God through the storm.

Zach Eswine, in Spurgeon’s Sorrows, paints this telling scene of the downcast soul which helps to explain why it can be so hard to “feel” Him near:

“We know that though every cloud darkens with storm brew, the sun yet shines. We also know that though we toss and turn in restless and sickly sleep, our loved one holds our hands and wipes the sweat from our head in the night deeps, though we know it not.  SO IT is with God, while our bodies sometimes make a wreck of our moods and cast doubts upon our faith, He holds us secure, though we know it not, and our fit continues to rage….

Our feelings of Him do not save us….HE DOES.”

Grief had wrecked my mood and cast a dark shadow over my faith.  Oh, I was still studying my bible, but I was more like a disgruntled student studying for a test I never wanted to take but knew I had to pass.  My isolated study sessions left me feeling very angry and very alone.

I searched every version of Jesus calming the storm, trying to find a reason to blame my loneliness on someone else.  When I first started writing this blog I titled it “Go Get Jesus!”, because that is what my heart desperately wanted.  I wanted someone to go get Jesus for me.  I scoured every version trying to find which disciple finally made the choice to go wake Him up!  You see , my focus was not on the calming of the storm, it was on those briefs moments when the storm was still raging and the disciples were terrified.  As I flipped my pages back and forth the truth came into clear view:

Matthew 8: 25 “So, the disciples came and woke Him up…”

Mark 4: 28 “So, they woke Him up…”

Luke 8: 24 “They came and woke Him up…”

The DISCIPLES.  This was a collective effort!

If I wanted the storm in my life to be calmed I WAS GOING to have to GO get Him and I needed to take people with me.

I told you last week I was low.  I sat in Panera, weeping.  I begrudgingly reached out to a friend and found out she was literally a table away.  Within seconds she had her arms around me.  God was closer than I realized.  I just needed to reach out.  I wish I could tell you that things were immediately calmed, however the truth is things got worse before they got better.  The next day I had a breakdown and my teammates sent me home.   I went to my father’s shop and prayed.  While praying my phone rang.  It was a number I did not recognize.  The voice on the other line was someone who missed seeing me at church and wanted to know how I was.  She invited me to her house.  I hung onto her every word, because she has survived unimaginable storms in her life.  She began to describe how desperate she became for Jesus when tragedy stepped in.  As she described her need for Him she used verbs like clawing and clinging.  I realized she was like the woman who reached out for His robe, and I was David hiding in my cave.  I had to get out and Look Up!

Where is Jesus when we go through hard times?

Right where we place Him.

Below you will see where these words were written in a bible, by another desperate heart , in the midst of her own personal storm. Precious words shared with me. (My mother-in-law)

Jesus was right where I had placed Him.  I was not satisfied with His answers.  They left me confused and baffled.  I still am. I don’t have clarity, but I have peace.  I realized the day that I sent that text to my friend asking for help – Satan LOST.  The greatest lie from the enemy is that we are alone and no one cares.  Listen to the voices of the disciples in Mark 4: 38, “Teacher, Don’t You Care if we drown?”  In the midst of the storm, Satan was throwing the same lie at the disciples in hopes they wouldn’t wake Him up because he knew he would be shut up along with the wind and the waves!

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know we are not supposed to do this alone.  So, GO GET JESUS friend and take people with you.

Jesus, I pray that the eyes on this page will be opened to you. I pray that the hand that scrolls through this blog will feel your presence.  I pray the ears that listen to this song will hear your voice.  I pray their feet will move and take action.  I pray they will know you are in the boat with them and you do care and you are not asleep to their pain.  Calm the storms in our hearts and shut the mouth of Satan.  Thank you Jesus, for loving us and holding us though we know it not.  HOLD us tight. Amen.

 

 

 

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Landscape of Grief

I do not believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe there is always a lesson to be learned.  When I arrived in St. Augustine (my favorite vacation destination) only to be greeted with torrential downpours and water the color of gross, I begrudgingly searched for the lesson I was to learn.

I desperately needed a reprieve.  The beach is the place where I can take a deep cleansing breath.  I was looking for the place you see pictured below.  I was looking for a place to walk in peace.  After months of waiting rooms and hospital rooms, I desperately wanted to stare at beautiful.

This is me in my natural beach habitat.

This is what a beach looks like after a hurricane.

Reading with your toes in the color of gross does NOT bring about serenity.

“As believers, we ought to be the very first to admit this world is NOT as it should be.  Everything does NOT happen for a reason.  But God has promised to restore the years that the enemy has taken away (Joel 2:25) AND to use all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). This does NOT MEAN pain is sanctified or purifying, and it does NOT MEAN all pain is brought about  by God.” Esther Fleece (No More Faking Fine)

I am currently in pain.  This pain was not brought about by God.  This pain was caused by cancer.  My world is churned up.  On September 9th, I posted that “the hurricane in my soul right now dwarfs Irma.” All eyes were on hurricane Irma and my eyes were on my dying father.  Hours after this post he stepped into Heaven and I stepped into the landscape of Grief.

As I walked along the beat up shoreline the lesson I was to learn came into clear view.  I was walking through the very landscape of my grieving soul.  The debris of hopes and dreams crushed by the weight of an incurable diagnosis.  Pieces of my heart scattered in need of a clean up crew.  Huge crevices in my emotional well being.  My life forever altered. There is no vacation from grief.

I do not want to pretend to be fine.  That would be like Florida trying to tell you that their beaches are beautiful after a hurricane.  The storm has blown over and right now I’m walking my way through the wreckage.  I know that He will create something beautiful out of my pain.  Restoration takes time.

Evidence of His promises are everywhere, and they keep me moving forward.

  

“It is an act of faith and wisdom to be sad about sad things.” Zach Eswine

I won’t always write about grief, but right now that is exactly where my heart is.  I’m going to give myself permission to be sad about sad things, because Christians have real emotions.  I want to wrap this up with a powerful message, but I believe the most powerful thing I can do is be real.  Right now, I’ve got nothing but my pain to offer you in hopes that you feel a little less alone in your own.

From my churned up heart to yours,

Erica

Father God, I pray whoever is reading this knows that you are near even if they can’t feel You.  I pray that as they walk through the landscape of grief they can catch glimpses of beauty.  I pray evidence of your promises break through and lead them forward.  Amen