There are moments in life when we cannot be what others have come to expect us to be. These are scary moments. It is frightening to look in the mirror and no longer recognize who is staring back at you because nothing looks familiar.
I’ve been walking through a storm. One that is relentless. On the heels of my father’s death, my husband was laid off from his job. Life uprooted. Schedules changing. In a time when I desperately needed stability, my boat was rocking.
I had a well meaning friend say to me, “He will calm this storm.”
I answered, “I know this to be true, but right now I’m holding onto the stern terrified.”
Last week, I was having a hard time seeing God through the storm.
Zach Eswine, in Spurgeon’s Sorrows, paints this telling scene of the downcast soul which helps to explain why it can be so hard to “feel” Him near:
“We know that though every cloud darkens with storm brew, the sun yet shines. We also know that though we toss and turn in restless and sickly sleep, our loved one holds our hands and wipes the sweat from our head in the night deeps, though we know it not. SO IT is with God, while our bodies sometimes make a wreck of our moods and cast doubts upon our faith, He holds us secure, though we know it not, and our fit continues to rage….
Our feelings of Him do not save us….HE DOES.”
Grief had wrecked my mood and cast a dark shadow over my faith. Oh, I was still studying my bible, but I was more like a disgruntled student studying for a test I never wanted to take but knew I had to pass. My isolated study sessions left me feeling very angry and very alone.
I searched every version of Jesus calming the storm, trying to find a reason to blame my loneliness on someone else. When I first started writing this blog I titled it “Go Get Jesus!”, because that is what my heart desperately wanted. I wanted someone to go get Jesus for me. I scoured every version trying to find which disciple finally made the choice to go wake Him up! You see , my focus was not on the calming of the storm, it was on those briefs moments when the storm was still raging and the disciples were terrified. As I flipped my pages back and forth the truth came into clear view:
Matthew 8: 25 “So, the disciples came and woke Him up…”
Mark 4: 28 “So, they woke Him up…”
Luke 8: 24 “They came and woke Him up…”
The DISCIPLES. This was a collective effort!
If I wanted the storm in my life to be calmed I WAS GOING to have to GO get Him and I needed to take people with me.
I told you last week I was low. I sat in Panera, weeping. I begrudgingly reached out to a friend and found out she was literally a table away. Within seconds she had her arms around me. God was closer than I realized. I just needed to reach out. I wish I could tell you that things were immediately calmed, however the truth is things got worse before they got better. The next day I had a breakdown and my teammates sent me home. I went to my father’s shop and prayed. While praying my phone rang. It was a number I did not recognize. The voice on the other line was someone who missed seeing me at church and wanted to know how I was. She invited me to her house. I hung onto her every word, because she has survived unimaginable storms in her life. She began to describe how desperate she became for Jesus when tragedy stepped in. As she described her need for Him she used verbs like clawing and clinging. I realized she was like the woman who reached out for His robe, and I was David hiding in my cave. I had to get out and Look Up!
Where is Jesus when we go through hard times?
Right where we place Him.
Below you will see where these words were written in a bible, by another desperate heart , in the midst of her own personal storm. Precious words shared with me. (My mother-in-law)
Jesus was right where I had placed Him. I was not satisfied with His answers. They left me confused and baffled. I still am. I don’t have clarity, but I have peace. I realized the day that I sent that text to my friend asking for help – Satan LOST. The greatest lie from the enemy is that we are alone and no one cares. Listen to the voices of the disciples in Mark 4: 38, “Teacher, Don’t You Care if we drown?” In the midst of the storm, Satan was throwing the same lie at the disciples in hopes they wouldn’t wake Him up because he knew he would be shut up along with the wind and the waves!
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know we are not supposed to do this alone. So, GO GET JESUS friend and take people with you.
Jesus, I pray that the eyes on this page will be opened to you. I pray that the hand that scrolls through this blog will feel your presence. I pray the ears that listen to this song will hear your voice. I pray their feet will move and take action. I pray they will know you are in the boat with them and you do care and you are not asleep to their pain. Calm the storms in our hearts and shut the mouth of Satan. Thank you Jesus, for loving us and holding us though we know it not. HOLD us tight. Amen.