All Things New

I’m afraid of hope.

I hate to admit this out loud.  It doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t fit.

A list of things I fear would include: ticks, snakes, hope, car wrecks, heights, illness.

See. It doesn’t fit.

Yet, I’m afraid of Hope.  It hasn’t worked out well for me.

At the start of 2018,  my pastor spoke on dreaming big.  He asked us to stand at the end of the service and dare to open our hands to all God had for us in the New Year.

I stayed seated.

Through blurry eyes and with a shaky hand I wrote:

I don’t know yet how to my open my hands to what you have for me in 2018, because 2017 shattered me and honestly I’m scared to death Lord!  Glory to Glory is painful when you are stuck in the TO – to get to one Glory you have to let go of the other.  Teach me Lord how to move through this pain.

You see, I chose the words Glory TO Glory (based on 2 Corinthians 3:18) as my words for 2018. 

I’m not alone on this road.  I am in good company.

In Jenny Simmons’ refreshingly honest memoir, “The Road to Becoming”, she writes: Seasons of hardships can leave us worse for the wear, at least in my experience.  Instead of making it to the other side a better version of ourselves, we can end up bitter, broken, and barely recognizable.  Just because one makes it through a hard season and is still standing doesn’t mean they have traveled down the life-giving road to becoming something new. It just means their feet still work.” (I have this passage underlined and marked with several exclamation marks)

I had a friend recently send me a quote that said:

“You don’t know this new me, I put back my pieces differently.”

I reflected back on the words I wrote in January.  SHATTERED.  I used the word shattered. What I immediately knew was I had allowed my hope to be shattered.  I had to give these shattered pieces to God, because my hands were creating a hardened – bitter mess. I want to reword the above quote to say:

“You don’t know this new me, GOD put back my pieces differently.”

I want Glory to Glory – not Glory to Garbage

Psalms 34:18 gives insight into the location of God during hard seasons.  He is  “near to the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed (shattered) in spirit”

He is near and He used this little fella to minister to my hurting spirit.

I met this little guy in July of 2017, about a month after I heard the word “cancer”.  He made my windowsill his home.  I walked by him everyday and smiled.  I mean look at that face!

I was keenly aware of the fact that his position was no coincidence.  He was in clear view and I had to walk by him every single day.  The day daddy received his first dose of radiation, I came home to see this beautiful chrysalis.

Every day, this creation, reminded me that God is in the business of transformation.

I wondered – at this moment – how the little fella felt?  Was he still smiling? Was he scared? Did he feel hopeless?  He sure looked happy and content on my windowsill.  Did he know that his entire view of life was about to change?

My view was about to change.  While I sat and hoped for healing for my father, his body was preparing for heaven.  He had entered a heavenly chrysalis that we could not see.

I realize now that God knew I needed a visual.  He needed to remind me that transformation was a very real process for His creation.

He needed to rid me of all the wrong kinds of hope.

Hope for healing? He IS the ultimate healing

Hope in people? They will always let you down

Hope in this earth? I’ve read Revelations…I know how that goes

Hope in my own ability? (HA)

Now faith is the reality of what is HOPED for, the proof of what is not seen…..so that we understand that what is seen was made from things that are not visible.  Hebrews 11:1

I can’t see heaven-I have faith it is there.

I can’t see daddy-I have faith he is there.

I can’t see inside a chrysalis – I have faith that the miraculous transformation that occurs inside created this beautiful creature.

Hope is a precious thing.  It is the very anchor for our soul (Hebrews 6:19).  If hope is the anchor, faith is the cable.  One commentary put it this way, “the anchor of hope without the cable of faith is of little service.”

I’m still afraid of hope, but I don’t want to be.  I refuse to stay here.  I am leaning into the transformation of my heart. I am moving forward, and just like that butterfly had to fight to get out of that chrysalis, I am fighting for complete healing.  I will be stronger for it.  He is putting my pieces back together.

This book has been a huge part of that process.

Chapter one begins with the words: “We could sure use some hope right now.”

AMEN

John Eldredge puts the spotlight of eternity in its proper place.  For far too long the spotlight has been on the “end” of everything.  The reality for the believer is far greater! For the believer, the spotlight should always shine brightly on the RENEWAL of all things!

“Very few things deserve the place in your heart made for ultimate hope. The renewal of all things is meant to be your first hope in the way that God is your first love.” Eldredge

After saying goodbye to daddy on this earth I sat down on my front porch and went to the Word.

Look who joined me.

I wish I could have captured a better picture, but he was fluttering about so quickly he was almost a blur.

I threw my head back and laughed.

Hope flew all around me.

I just lost sight of it for a moment.