I do not believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe there is always a lesson to be learned. When I arrived in St. Augustine (my favorite vacation destination) only to be greeted with torrential downpours and water the color of gross, I begrudgingly searched for the lesson I was to learn.
I desperately needed a reprieve. The beach is the place where I can take a deep cleansing breath. I was looking for the place you see pictured below. I was looking for a place to walk in peace. After months of waiting rooms and hospital rooms, I desperately wanted to stare at beautiful.
This is me in my natural beach habitat.
This is what a beach looks like after a hurricane.
Reading with your toes in the color of gross does NOT bring about serenity.
“As believers, we ought to be the very first to admit this world is NOT as it should be. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. But God has promised to restore the years that the enemy has taken away (Joel 2:25) AND to use all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). This does NOT MEAN pain is sanctified or purifying, and it does NOT MEAN all pain is brought about by God.” Esther Fleece (No More Faking Fine)
I am currently in pain. This pain was not brought about by God. This pain was caused by cancer. My world is churned up. On September 9th, I posted that “the hurricane in my soul right now dwarfs Irma.” All eyes were on hurricane Irma and my eyes were on my dying father. Hours after this post he stepped into Heaven and I stepped into the landscape of Grief.
As I walked along the beat up shoreline the lesson I was to learn came into clear view. I was walking through the very landscape of my grieving soul. The debris of hopes and dreams crushed by the weight of an incurable diagnosis. Pieces of my heart scattered in need of a clean up crew. Huge crevices in my emotional well being. My life forever altered. There is no vacation from grief.
I do not want to pretend to be fine. That would be like Florida trying to tell you that their beaches are beautiful after a hurricane. The storm has blown over and right now I’m walking my way through the wreckage. I know that He will create something beautiful out of my pain. Restoration takes time.
Evidence of His promises are everywhere, and they keep me moving forward.
“It is an act of faith and wisdom to be sad about sad things.” Zach Eswine
I won’t always write about grief, but right now that is exactly where my heart is. I’m going to give myself permission to be sad about sad things, because Christians have real emotions. I want to wrap this up with a powerful message, but I believe the most powerful thing I can do is be real. Right now, I’ve got nothing but my pain to offer you in hopes that you feel a little less alone in your own.
From my churned up heart to yours,
Erica
Father God, I pray whoever is reading this knows that you are near even if they can’t feel You. I pray that as they walk through the landscape of grief they can catch glimpses of beauty. I pray evidence of your promises break through and lead them forward. Amen